I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my being single is dangerous.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
