someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
