She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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