A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize