Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
