Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
