whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
