my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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