So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Text me some of your sweat
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