I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
