hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize