Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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