I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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