you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
