My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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