You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
