I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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