Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
