somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
