I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize