my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Even my vagina gasped.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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