I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
