He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
