please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
