Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
