he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
