the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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