my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
