Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
