She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize