I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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