Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
