i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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