Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
