I wish my penis had an off switch
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
