Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
