At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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