my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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