she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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