either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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