You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
