I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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