craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
