This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
