My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Randomize
