it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
