She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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