if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
