i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
