Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize