I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
