My friends, they love my intelligence
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
