I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
