evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
