Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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