I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
