look no pants
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
