I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
