Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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