just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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