I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
