A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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