You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
