making cat noises will not fix the situation.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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