Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
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