I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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