I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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