i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
