This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
