i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Welp...herpes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
