If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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